The morning after....

Sometimes I wonder what possesses me to go out to some places... and yesterday night reminded me that somethings just don't deserve a second chance.

Proudly enough yesterday night my littlest of cousins finally turned the ripe ol' age of 21, legal for 2 years I was pregnant when she became legal and so this year I had promised to go out partying with the whole family. Put my girls to bed, had my mom stay at our house and got myself and dear ol' husband ready for a night out on the town.

We headed out to what would be a younger crowd club, young indeed if I needed to babysit... been there before on a different night, had already experienced the loveliness that it felt to be the oldest person in the room and reminded myself that this is not for MOI!

Loud music (it only seems loud when it isn't any good), drunken teenagers, half naked girls and then I think to myself ohhhh yeah I am going to be 30 next year. Don't take me wrong anyone who knows me and loves me knows you can't take the party girl out of me, I live for a good night out clubbing to my hearts content... but there is a different vibe at an older club, there is a different code of conduct that is acceptable.

Husband chalks it up to a new found freedom, a new sense of sexuality that these kids (as I would like to call them) can find the liberty to bump and grind each other, make out with each other all at once and jump from one girl to another with a sheer desperation that is unforeseeable anywhere else.

Next month is my birthday I turn 29, I am actually excited, age doesn't faze me... but perhaps someone can direct me to a good club where I will party with age appropriate crowd and good ol HOUSE MUSIC that would be the thing for me... perhaps another Sunday at Cheval would have to do.

Coping with loss...

The other day I blogged about my grandmother (Yiayia), she wasn't doing as great as one could have hoped and her time came and she left us unfortunately.

Unfortunately not a word I think is befitting, but not sure what word to use. Her death, devastating horrible for us, a blessing in disguise for her and a conundrum of feelings for all. With her ever ailing health that was only disintegrating rapidly making her quality of life not one hoped for many. While she had the privilege to continue to live in her house til the last visit at the hospital had she been able to leave the hospital it would have been to an old age home which would have been devastatingly awful for my Yiayia.

So last Wednesday we lost her, and the weekend was spent grieving her departure... dealing with the loss, viewings and funerals. Mourning ensued, a husband who didn't falter for a moment and children who were beyond resilient.

I am sure I will get a barrage of complaints, but my daughters were given the opportunity to say their goodbyes as the rest of us were, they were permitted to enter and exit the viewing room as they pleased... they were walked over to the casket to say their final goodbyes while the room was fairly quiet and they both said Goodbye in their little voices. They are OK with the moment, no misunderstanding has been seen by them, they both understand that their big Yiayia is sleeping and won't be coming home.

My eldest realised it was not a happy occasion watching our Yiayia sleeping on display, they didn't come to church so that we could pray and mourn without distraction and they were left out of the burial part of the funeral... personally I think we all should be. I have not been able to realise why such must be done in the presence of all, why they reopen the casket for their last memory of the person be right over the open ground. Personally disturbing!

I am glad my daughters can have peace, I have a road, a journey to find mine... but in all I am glad she has moved on to her next part of her soul's journey.

It's almost here...

Christmas is one of my favorite time of years, it's not my favorite Holiday because it was always so grim and not so festive as a child. Every tradition I have for Christmas are ones that I started with myself or with my sister.

My parents never took me to the a Santa Claus parade, there wasn't much fanfare about decorating the house... there wasn't ever Christmas music in the house or Hot chocolate movie watching with my parents. I am not complaining actually because I love the new traditions I have become accustomed to.

Living in Canada, I will have to blushingly say I have only missed 1 Macy's Day Parade since I was in High School, I watch it followed by the Dog show. I have missed work and school to be able to stay home to watch it, the only year I missed it was when I worked as a receptionist at a Health care Center.

I decorate my tree with glee, I invite my cousins over to do it with me if they feel up to it... this year I plan on having the tree up before the first of December. I enjoy my fake tree, perhaps some don't think it's Christmas-y enough, but I get to enjoy it longer and like having it up for over a month. Mine doesn't come down til the 7th of January (St.John's day for Greek Orthodox and actual Christmas for old calendar Orthodoxes.)

Christmas a whole other day of TV related must have, I have never missed one Disney World Christmas Day Parade... I haven't missed it as a child awaiting patiently for the rest of my family to wake up, I was fine to sit on my own watching Mickey Mouse and other characters all decked in their Christmas garb.

I look forward to any new memories I can start with my daughters. I can't wait for them to be a smidgen older, I would like to do something charitable, something where we go visit other kids in the hospital or something a couple days before and they can play with them or something like that.

How do you celebrate Christmas, how do you feel about it?? You can thank fellow blogger about starting the Christmas buzz and if you live in a Canadian city, I can't get enough of the show Cityline which will be sharing a holiday decorating episode tomorrow (Nov.17). Here is to enjoying this season!

SPEECHLESS!

Children are SMART!

At least mine are... so being sick was one thing, and it seems like being sick is exceptionally detrimental to me because this is the second time I have been sick the whole of 2009 and both times getting a simple cold blows out into full on laryngitis.

Chalk it up to the fact that I talk to much, I talk to my kids too much, I complain to my family to much, I speak to much in my political meetings to much, I love to debate too much.... I talk to much and well my vocal chords are annoyed by me and I have been silenced.

Parental silence= Children's fantasy

Do this, eat your food, don't stick your fingers there, don't put that in your mouth, why are you naked, stop hitting your sister, let's change your diaper... commmoooonnnn let's change your diaper, do you want to go to your room, why are you being a bad girl, get off that, get down from there, you are going to hurt yourself... followed by yelling of Menace, Monster....

My children (and even my husband even though he won't admit it) are in bliss; I cannot verbalise anything, a whisper is difficult and well after everything I read about having laryngitis whispering is more strenuous on the larynx than talking. So how do your children repay me for my silence? They take, take and take some more advantage of me.

We have a large flat screen TV in our bedroom... (doesn't fit in the carved wood unit we have in the living room that my father made with his bare hands that I can't muster up the courage to do something with) they watch their very juvenile cartoons in that room because the largeness of the screen keeps them occupied. Today, after many weeks of behaving, understanding that mommy's room is her domain and not to be messed with... with a thought in their mind, being monkeys and jumping on my bed was the only form of entertainment they could enjoy in my room.

If you fret over the jumping you'd be surprised because that is the lightest point of their expedition of my room, see jumping would not suffice my daughters, because to them linens are obstacles, pillows are deterrents... they need to remove every item off the bed before commencing the frolicking of toddlers.

I can hear them as I come up to my room door giggling to their hearts content, laughing like there could be no better moment for them. I open the door, to which they stop instantly because my eldest is aware that linen removal is unacceptable.... frightened they are that Mommy Dearest might start yelling, they realise no such noise will leave my mouth, nothing no yelling, no sound of disappointment... they smirk.

Luckily my eldest to a point understands that such a behaviour would have not been accepted previously, she participates in putting the pillows back onto the bed. Only reason I wasn't highly irritated, by all means it's Sunday... it's time to change the linens anyways!

Sick!

Sick is a word that we unfortunately keep saying here in my house, one daughter sick, then the other, one of us parent sick and then it seems like we started to process all over again.

I have a cold again for the second time this fall.... I hate having a cold, the head pressure, the nasal congestion, the sore throat, the exceptional tiredness. I actually prefer to have the flu if that makes any sense.., you have a fever, you feel sore but when that all passes you know their is light at the end of the tunnel.

Since being pregnant with my girls and having sinusitis the whole pregnancy as soon as it starts again, I can't fathom how long it might take to full clear it out of my system. With my youngest it lasted 5 months.

So today when I woke up with such a significant sinus headache the idea of dealing with this gets the best of me emotionally, because like I said I hate having a cold. So here is to healing my cold, here is to knowing that it isn't anything more than a cold... let's hope it will be ok for me to take the girls to see Santa Claus this Sunday.

Dealing with sadness!

Today was a bit of an emotional day for me... it started off in a precarious way.

Last Thursday evening my poor Grandma suffered from heart failure, this hasn't been the first time... for the last year she has been in the hospital at least 4 times. My grandmother never the epitome of health, a smoker since the age of 13 a life not rich by all means but 84 years long thus far.

My Yiayia who was sold at the ripe age of 5 because her parents could not have fed her their poor was beyond poor. A father to her who was 70 at the age of her birth, a mother who obviously wasn't concerned about showing her love more than getting her food on the plate which she might eat. Never attended a day of school but she read and read and self taught herself to read the bible.

My Yiayia who had to draw the linens for the German soldiers who lived in the Estate my child slaved grandmother worked in, had to watch her brother shot in the head in front of other Spartans for disgruntling one of those soldiers who she had to set his dinner plate.

This poor Grandma whose name I carried for years in embarrassment, who never knew how to show her affection to her children, who tried to reach her grandchildren through song... we each have our very own; a tumultuous relationship that we had for years.

But in her weakest of moments, her most vulnerable... she sang to me and finally made me feel loved and understood.

I may be sad because I couldn't appreciate her all the times, I am sad that it took this long to truly feel loved and sad that perhaps one day she actually won't be around to share this love we actually have for each other deep in our cores.

My Yiayia's is mine... like yours is to you, but I can't imagine my life without my little 4 foot rollie-pollie smoking yiayia. I wish she knew how much she is finally understood!!!

The change is happening...

My beautiful cousin who has been also in a life inspiring change for herself kept telling me she feels that this month would be the month of change for me...

Right before October started my Husband lost his job in a very contrived manner, which he is attempting to deal with legally, it wasn't the best news for our family, as you know I don't work for now since I broke my shoulder. My business really took a dip and my personal life even worse.

But with the stroke of luck and sheer genius from a wife who does everything her husband doesn't do, I went job hunting online for my husband. Helps that I know the man like the back of my hand, we finish each others sentences, think the same at the same time, but are highly different. I know how his interior clock works. So there I was looking on Craigslist look up different kind of sectors. My husband use to work in the media/broadcasting industry, it wasn't his cup of Java (we don't drink tea!) He has always been an artist and someone who needed to do stuff with his hands, he airbrushed on the side and did private jobs here in the house from time to time.

Finally he gets to use his talents further, he got a full time position airbrushing for a sport equipment firm, he'll be their lead airbrush artist. It's a very exciting adventure I am happy for him to be taking, the pay is substantially better than anything he's ever made before so how could I not be.

So perhaps that little cousin of mine was right... October was our month of change. Perhaps with the fates of the Universe he had to lose his job to land the one he would be so happy to have.

weight loss for a mommy...

It has been over a year since I gave birth to my second daughter, I am still the heaviest I have been pre-baby. I am the heaviest I have ever been period.

Sad thought to me since I had started a goal to work out last year and thought I would have nipped this situation in the bud. But here I am trying to not indulge myself in junk food, which is my weakness. Not your chips or popcorn, not candy in wrappers... give me a piece of cake, ice cream, something with an icing or with whip cream on it and I am your girl.

But I am only getting older in years, a family history with some shotty medical history and a waist size that Dr. Oz would be disappointed with... yes I am a die hard Dr. Oz fan!

Not sure how I will just get passed this struggle inside of me to just lose weight to focus on what needs to get done, to work on myself physically not just mentally. I need a goal... I think if I have a goal that I need to attain for some reason I might be forced to be responsible for my lack of weight loss.

So I am going to begin blogging about my attempt to lose weight to try and keep myself in check of what I am and am not doing.

The Secret!!

I know the last time I wrote I said I was reading a Dr. Phil book.... but I ended up being side tracked and started reading a little known book called the Secret. I am not going to tout it's wonderfulness to you all or what it says. But well Self Matters... positive thinking is something you have to go through and believe in!

I have been in a self realisation, it's hard raising daughters under the age of 2, having a husband who came down with some sort of odd disease/cold. And really just trying to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin and friend I can be. I tend to over extend, I tend to overdo, I tend to want to be all I can be to everyone! Time I try to be the best Me for ME!!!

Which is where the Secret comes in, I decided to read this little book to find a way to get to a happier place... a happy place within me! And while reading, while focusing on the positives in my life, my family, my house.... I started to look at the positives within ME! Digging deep and hard, I am starting to let go of my shortcomings, started regressing to my teenage years where being carefree and non-judgemental of myself seemed almost the most logical way to feel about oneself.

So I advise that you all go and find a book, a magazine or something to read that well makes you want to take care of yourself, actually motivates you to focus on you and well works on being the best you for YOU!

Self Matters!!

For some of you, you know that's the title of a Dr. Phil book... but it's a route I am taking also. I have cracked open the book which I bought over the weekend. And will walk you along my doings that relate to the book as well.
And on a personal note... I bought myself a car!! You bought yourself a car? you might say. But it's the first step to a new me. I am a queen at Procrastination...I live a 15 minute walk away from the closest transit, so just alone leaving the house is a task on it's own. Don't think I am an anti-social... because once I am out, I just can't seem to get back into the house. I want to do everything and see everything on my one outing.
I am doing a study in Me first... so the car was a gift to me. To tell me there are things to work for; that perhaps a visual of being able to afford and use can domino an effect of self righteousness I don't know what will.
So I am proud of my new car and well my new reading material... I am going to use them both to their fullest potential... Hopefully it works and I'll get more done as the result to my mental change for the better!