If I were...

A post in honour of a blogger that I love to follow FabBrunette

If I were a month, I'd be July.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Tuesday.

If I were a time of the day, I'd be 9:00pm.

If I were a planet, I'd be the Moon.

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a Dolphin.

If I were a direction, I'd be South.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a Niermann Weeks Valois Canopy Bed.

If I were a liquid, I'd be an Ice cold sweet with milk Frappé.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be an Amethyst.

If I were a tree, I'd be a fruitful fig tree.

If I were a tool, I'd be a paint brush.

If I were a flower, I'd be a Peonie.

If I were a kind of weather, I'd be a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a Viola.

If I were a colour, I'd be Pink.

If I were an emotion, I'd be Bliss.

If I were a fruit, I'd be a Strawberry.

If I were a sound, I'd be crashing waves off the coast of Greece.

If I were an element, I'd be Titanium.

If I were a car, I'd be Mercedez Mini.

If I were a food, I'd be Butter Cream iced cupcake.

If I were a place, I'd be Park Avenue.

If I were a fabric, I'd be a French Lace.

If I were a taste, I'd be sweet.

If I were a scent, I'd be a blend of coffee, Vanilla cookies and Orange Blossoms.

If I were an object, I'd be a Pink Kitchenaid Mixer.

If I were a body part, I'd be the nape of the neck.

If I were a facial expression, I'd be a SMILE.

If I were a song, I'd be Nothing Compares to you.

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be a Christian Lacroix Jewel Wedged sandals.

Weighing my options...

You all might know that I have been working on my physical weight this year, you all know this has been a large journey to cope and deal with for me... as in I won't put my foot into the water unless I am diving all in.

I don't go window shopping, don't just have a bite of cake and I don't know how do something if I am not doing the thing full heartedly.

I had started a blog last year about my ambitions to run for city council because I think parents are under viewed in the city scope and we are a large community with needs, programs and a voice in cabinet.

But there is a wrench in my plans... or is it more like in my train of thought. Things seem to be picking up for me work wise, I see a future of bright and happy projects that might be great and fantastic in my world of fashion fabulousness (I work in the fashion industry but that is for another post I promise). Do I let my ideal, my vision, my dream to work in the greater good of fixing my city that is in economical turmoil, in a city that is divided by over spending and under funding for core needs.

If I do this it will take away way too much time from my family... does a year of campaign usurp a chance at 4 years of doing something great for my community and city. Will this affect my children, will I get the support I need, will this be worth the effort, the time???

Is this what mother's brains do during the time to make a decision, is the indecisiveness of the decision worse than the decision itself??

I plan on making a decision soon, nothing is lost in the decision I take.... my family is my sole priority in when the decision is made and how it will affect my nuclear family, if my husband is up for the task and if we can put a schedule that works for me in my campaigning duties as well as having time for my girls.

A lot to think about... but that is my process this year to make the best decisions for me, follow my life path meant for me and just work my tail off to get it done.

Social Calendar?

Do you have a social calendar?

Social calendar, you might ask... if you were me a few months ago and someone even mentioned you'd have the same face as I would and think what on earth is a social calendar?

I don't think I could have fathomed what a social calendar is, what it takes to have one or how on earth one gets one.

There's a calendar sitting on your wall... tells you what you are doing this month, Dr's appointments, children's vaccine schedule, dentists, work, activities for the girls and in that nothing else. Where is the social aspect of your calendar?

I am not talking play dates with the neighbours but hey if you are doing that at least you are getting some social interaction... I am saying where is the ballet, the opera, a play, when are you taking in an art exhibit, a movie or even a dinner date? And how many of those don't contain your your kids and your family?

I have my first art exhibit this month... I don't remember the last time I went to an art exhibit. I am ridiculously excited about going, it will be a date night for my husband and I but in a social setting that should be interesting and eclectic with an art crowd and art connoisseurs... how can that go wrong.

Though working has changed my perspective of the social calendar... I understanding the importance of it. Socialising is what keeps you current and important in your society... you can't continue m network with a group that doesn't grow. Life is about the people you meet and the interactions you have with the people in your life.

So it's time to get a hold on your social calendars... and don't make the same mistake I did, don't ignore that aspect of your life, it's important to nurture the social part of your psyche and the relations you have and want to continue to flourish.

Mother watching TV...

I use to be a crazy TV watcher! My family use to call me the TV guide, not because I watched everything, but I could remember what was good on TV every night of the week what everyone watched and how to schedule all of our coordinating TV watching so that no one ever argued.

Having 2 babies in a short period of time has put a stop to this TV passion... ask me now what is one Wednesday night on TV on any channel I couldn't give you an answered even if I tried. I watch promos for all these great shows and can't wait to watch them but they start, they go on and I forget about them and even that they even existed.

Some Deep End series started, no clue when it's on or when to watch it period. I am a dedicated Heroes watcher, at least I believe I am even though I miss episodes because well I forget what day it is and that it's on. I also need to watch Biggest Loser because newly it inspires me... it use to make me eat if you could believe it to watch all those heavy people working out.

I have my own Soap Opera of choice.... Young and the Restless... can't forget when it's on because been watching it since I was 10 I think, and well if I miss a day or 2 I can jump right in when I remember to put it on.

I watch what I would like to call useless TV, when my children are asleep and I can finally rest it is now 11 pm, I turn on my local Star TV and watch the ridiculousness that is the Magazine shows- the Access Hollywood and Extra shows followed by a repeat of the days Dr. Oz and if I am not comatose by 2 am I will watch the beginning of The View.

Not that I need to watch these, actually I continue to dream about the day I think it's feasible to get myself a PVR so that I don't waste my TV watching to numbingly dumb TV but to quality shows with quality actors that are dramatic or even funny.

What are you watching on your Boob Tube?

What was once lost...

Daily, I work and work on my personal self growth... everyday it's a work in progress.

When I began this blog it somehow became this idea of growth, that working on writing about my daily activities would compass watching myself move in various directions, nothing strict and to follow.... not a blog about what my family is doing, but what a mommy is doing.... and mostly what is happening in her psyche as much as in her daily life.

I read my posts over again to read it as a reader not the writer and I see and perhaps notice what you all might be noticing that there is plenty... even an abundant amount of posts about who I am and what I am doing to become the best me I can be.

Somewhere in the transition from love stricken teenage girl, to married woman and then mother... I think I lost a part of myself. Not sure how it happened or why, not looking to lay blame on anything that happened... but realising that somehow I let go of the visions and ideas I had of myself. And slowly I am re-finding those ideals... those images of myself coming back slowly.



I see that myself had pretended to feel uncomfortable in certain situations, that I behaved as if somethings weren't for me... I was becoming wife, mom and adult.... but patueyy.... being all those is knowing who you are and not caring what others think, loving yourself and providing your authentic self with the more that you add throughout the years.

I was reading a blog earlier today....something of a classic blog... and imagery of things that felt like home, a floral pattern, a colour combination---- things that might not fit the mold, that are of trend and clean or modern. But uniquely something that I loved to look at something that felt more to my liking and less well... to the norm.

I am not the NORM... don't know what ever possessed me to want to be. I have grandeur thoughts, I am not the average housewife (I've tried it doesn't fit me well that role), I am not the average mommy either (but my daughters are pretty smart and very happy- so I don't care if I don't fit that norm at all) and well I will never be an average 9-5 girl and should stop trying to fit into that mold.

What was once lost.... my personal identification of myself, now is found!!!

Zumba.... ohhhh Zumba!!!

I have increased my overall activity by 10 folds, something that needed to be done to get on my path to a better health, weight goal, waist size and physical ability.

This week's goal is 5 days of excercise, that means other than not being lazy or procrastinating and just getting myself up and around doing the things that need to get done... I take the time out of my day and do an excercise that is out of my comfort level, out of my time with my family and away from my obsession with social media.

So my week starts on Sunday and will continue to do so throughout this diet phase of my life, because Sunday is a slow day, a day where I can get plenty done in my home and then get on my elliptical machine at the end of the day to get a much needed workout. Saturday will be my excercise free day, my muscles also needed it... atleast this is what they tell me!?!?!

So Sunday, I got on my elliptical machine... a good 30 minutes of striding. Nothing to call home about, but as long as I get on it, do the work and take my time progress is progress. But I got on my machine and decided to check my heart rate as soon as I got on the machine. And what a nightmare.... 103 BPM, yeah you read that right, at nearly resting I have the heart rate of a newborn or if you ask me a potential heart attack patient.

So in despair and disgust with my health and what I had done to make it as poor as it has become, Monday came rolling around with a renewed sense of reality that there is an aerobic class that I love that is at the local community center taught by who I think is the best aerobic teacher you'll ever have.

So I went and to my surprise she changed her muscle conditioning class into a Zumba class... with plenty of shimmying, shaking, hip thrusts and butt wiggling and now my core muscles are fritzing, they are begging for mercy. Plié squats that contained curls and other arm workouts and the muscle near my knee reminds me how out of shape I have been yet it encourages me to remind me this will be a long road, I didn't gain the weight in a day it's not going to come off in a day.

So what do you do to keep fit? What is your exercise regimen, please share... I would love to hear anyone else's way to lose weight... share your stories, maybe you'll inspire someone reading the comments section!!

rejection..,

I am a people pleaser.... not sure why or how I became one; probably some ill fated school bus ride as a child where I got mocked for something I did. But I am a people pleaser to a sick degree.

I use to fret confrontation, would do everything asked of me to avoid anyone disapproving of me, saying something poorly of me or even the idea of someone being mad at me made me cringe. If my father even remotely raised his voice at me, all he'd have to say was my name and I would be frantic in tears at the idea of what might come afterwards.... nothing much but I hated the idea he was so mad at me.

Almost 30 and I still hate the idea of someone being mad at me... working on getting past the idea that I did anything wrong. Trying to believe that it is not I who is to blame always, that sometimes things are inevitable. A couple years ago, before I had kids I tried to get a job and after 100 resumes sent 2 interviews and no job offer, the rejection got to me so badly that I tailspin into a slight depression of my rejection.

I don't do well if you don't like me... I don't do well if I can't make you like me.... and I don't understand well how you couldn't like me. Let's not even delve into my silliness of high school dating where not getting the attention of the boy of my interest drove me mental. I just need to be liked!

I am learning slowly that not all people get along, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, does not mean I should and chances are that others aren't going to do the same for me. I don't need to please everyone I just need to feel pleased with my actions and what I brought to the situation and experience. It has become a daily task in feeling worthy and that my self worth is more than what I allow people to allocate it.

My sister calls this trait weakness, that I give off meek and timid when I behave this way... but really I am in control... I am trying to control the idea that people don't like me. I am now letting go of that control, which in return is making me feel bitchier, colder and more careless- but as I said I can't please everyone.

How do you handle people not liking you?

Snow and salt... dirt galore!

Sometimes it is beautiful to watch the large snowflakes fall; but if you live in Toronto like I do a snow fall means salt trucks and plowing throughout the city.

Salt... my car's nightmare; this is what my husband describes it. A sure way to get rust and a rotting car. Side panels that have already been repaired from previous small patches of rust now to upkeep without getting an ounce of new rust to add to my beater car.

Don't get me wrong; I love my car. My wagon that I fought weeks about the car I wanted, that I was not interested in spending loads of money and get a car that fit all of my family and a trunk that allowed for a huge Walmart visit that holds the shopping for both mine and my moms house.

But with the sleet and the snow, with the brown slush that is all over the streets my little car became a vision of artistic mud, that splattered all across the windows, coffee that I forgot on the roof of my car as I drove off. My car was a mess... after days of complaining from my dear husband about the abysmal display. With the weather that has turned and no sign of snow for a couple of days for sure, I took my car to get washed.

I forgot what it looks like to peer out of clean windows while I drive, so refreshing and what a little pleasure in someone`s day. It was a much needed little thing, such an easy way to get a smile on my face. Finally, a clean car and the dirt gone! Sometimes things are so easy.

A Positive surrender...

My life is far different than I would have been able to predict over a month ago, things have changed in ways I couldn't believe and soaking it all in with precaution.

But in the evolution of working mommy with goals that drive me, girls who make my life worth living and a marriage that I work at to be in for a lifetime and passion that I want to be proud about having within me things seem to have changed already.

Everyday I learn something more about myself, in retrospect and comparison of others who cross my path. My networking has quadrupled and my zest for life multiplied in ways I couldn't imagine.

My personal work goals have re-surged, I reawaken the passion for my own dreams and pursuits and look forward to doing all it might take to attain such goals. But that is only the one change in my life. Every detail has changed inside of me... my personal goals such as better health, better weight and even happy thoughts have become something that I feel need to be dealt with and no longer put on the bench during the game of life.

I realised a lot about myself in the last week, a more superior notion that I am more than I ever let myself believe I was. I am smarter and important- and my own view of my self worth should be greater than I ever let it be and that I need to allow myself to tell people about how I should expect to be treated.

I got on the elliptical machine, while tiring and exhausting... while I wanted to give up in the first 15 minutes that I had done I finished my 30 minute session. My food has been controlled, my overall activity far higher than ever before and I am proud to record a 4 pound reduction on my scale. How couldn't I be relishing in the changes that I have experienced recently. And why shouldn't I? So with all the changes that are happening around me... with all the different things on my plate and ideas and emotions I see on my plate I have encompassed a new thought process about focusing only on positive attributes within myself, others and the situations that surround me.

So, if I can say something... it is maybe focusing isn't something we can do everyday with the million of tasks we take on, but let's focus on the positive for a week; it would be nice for once!

Torn...

Have you ever felt torn up inside with a decision that almost seemed to hard to make and yet so easy at the same time?

How about knowing you want to do something but worried you will regret if you do it?

This is the crazy emotion I have been feeling all day, torn between a decision I want to take but can't begin to process the thoughts that are running through my head, lacking the confidence I need to get anything and feel like I might be in an emotional standstill.

I am sitting through the process debating what is best, pro and con lists... and personal happiness! But then I remind myself of the choices I make are no longer just about myself but a decision that I make that is best for my family and our needs as a unit not just one person and their wants or needs.

How do you cope... what do you do when things seem like you can't come up with an answer?