What was once lost...

Daily, I work and work on my personal self growth... everyday it's a work in progress.

When I began this blog it somehow became this idea of growth, that working on writing about my daily activities would compass watching myself move in various directions, nothing strict and to follow.... not a blog about what my family is doing, but what a mommy is doing.... and mostly what is happening in her psyche as much as in her daily life.

I read my posts over again to read it as a reader not the writer and I see and perhaps notice what you all might be noticing that there is plenty... even an abundant amount of posts about who I am and what I am doing to become the best me I can be.

Somewhere in the transition from love stricken teenage girl, to married woman and then mother... I think I lost a part of myself. Not sure how it happened or why, not looking to lay blame on anything that happened... but realising that somehow I let go of the visions and ideas I had of myself. And slowly I am re-finding those ideals... those images of myself coming back slowly.



I see that myself had pretended to feel uncomfortable in certain situations, that I behaved as if somethings weren't for me... I was becoming wife, mom and adult.... but patueyy.... being all those is knowing who you are and not caring what others think, loving yourself and providing your authentic self with the more that you add throughout the years.

I was reading a blog earlier today....something of a classic blog... and imagery of things that felt like home, a floral pattern, a colour combination---- things that might not fit the mold, that are of trend and clean or modern. But uniquely something that I loved to look at something that felt more to my liking and less well... to the norm.

I am not the NORM... don't know what ever possessed me to want to be. I have grandeur thoughts, I am not the average housewife (I've tried it doesn't fit me well that role), I am not the average mommy either (but my daughters are pretty smart and very happy- so I don't care if I don't fit that norm at all) and well I will never be an average 9-5 girl and should stop trying to fit into that mold.

What was once lost.... my personal identification of myself, now is found!!!

Zumba.... ohhhh Zumba!!!

I have increased my overall activity by 10 folds, something that needed to be done to get on my path to a better health, weight goal, waist size and physical ability.

This week's goal is 5 days of excercise, that means other than not being lazy or procrastinating and just getting myself up and around doing the things that need to get done... I take the time out of my day and do an excercise that is out of my comfort level, out of my time with my family and away from my obsession with social media.

So my week starts on Sunday and will continue to do so throughout this diet phase of my life, because Sunday is a slow day, a day where I can get plenty done in my home and then get on my elliptical machine at the end of the day to get a much needed workout. Saturday will be my excercise free day, my muscles also needed it... atleast this is what they tell me!?!?!

So Sunday, I got on my elliptical machine... a good 30 minutes of striding. Nothing to call home about, but as long as I get on it, do the work and take my time progress is progress. But I got on my machine and decided to check my heart rate as soon as I got on the machine. And what a nightmare.... 103 BPM, yeah you read that right, at nearly resting I have the heart rate of a newborn or if you ask me a potential heart attack patient.

So in despair and disgust with my health and what I had done to make it as poor as it has become, Monday came rolling around with a renewed sense of reality that there is an aerobic class that I love that is at the local community center taught by who I think is the best aerobic teacher you'll ever have.

So I went and to my surprise she changed her muscle conditioning class into a Zumba class... with plenty of shimmying, shaking, hip thrusts and butt wiggling and now my core muscles are fritzing, they are begging for mercy. Plié squats that contained curls and other arm workouts and the muscle near my knee reminds me how out of shape I have been yet it encourages me to remind me this will be a long road, I didn't gain the weight in a day it's not going to come off in a day.

So what do you do to keep fit? What is your exercise regimen, please share... I would love to hear anyone else's way to lose weight... share your stories, maybe you'll inspire someone reading the comments section!!

rejection..,

I am a people pleaser.... not sure why or how I became one; probably some ill fated school bus ride as a child where I got mocked for something I did. But I am a people pleaser to a sick degree.

I use to fret confrontation, would do everything asked of me to avoid anyone disapproving of me, saying something poorly of me or even the idea of someone being mad at me made me cringe. If my father even remotely raised his voice at me, all he'd have to say was my name and I would be frantic in tears at the idea of what might come afterwards.... nothing much but I hated the idea he was so mad at me.

Almost 30 and I still hate the idea of someone being mad at me... working on getting past the idea that I did anything wrong. Trying to believe that it is not I who is to blame always, that sometimes things are inevitable. A couple years ago, before I had kids I tried to get a job and after 100 resumes sent 2 interviews and no job offer, the rejection got to me so badly that I tailspin into a slight depression of my rejection.

I don't do well if you don't like me... I don't do well if I can't make you like me.... and I don't understand well how you couldn't like me. Let's not even delve into my silliness of high school dating where not getting the attention of the boy of my interest drove me mental. I just need to be liked!

I am learning slowly that not all people get along, I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, does not mean I should and chances are that others aren't going to do the same for me. I don't need to please everyone I just need to feel pleased with my actions and what I brought to the situation and experience. It has become a daily task in feeling worthy and that my self worth is more than what I allow people to allocate it.

My sister calls this trait weakness, that I give off meek and timid when I behave this way... but really I am in control... I am trying to control the idea that people don't like me. I am now letting go of that control, which in return is making me feel bitchier, colder and more careless- but as I said I can't please everyone.

How do you handle people not liking you?

Snow and salt... dirt galore!

Sometimes it is beautiful to watch the large snowflakes fall; but if you live in Toronto like I do a snow fall means salt trucks and plowing throughout the city.

Salt... my car's nightmare; this is what my husband describes it. A sure way to get rust and a rotting car. Side panels that have already been repaired from previous small patches of rust now to upkeep without getting an ounce of new rust to add to my beater car.

Don't get me wrong; I love my car. My wagon that I fought weeks about the car I wanted, that I was not interested in spending loads of money and get a car that fit all of my family and a trunk that allowed for a huge Walmart visit that holds the shopping for both mine and my moms house.

But with the sleet and the snow, with the brown slush that is all over the streets my little car became a vision of artistic mud, that splattered all across the windows, coffee that I forgot on the roof of my car as I drove off. My car was a mess... after days of complaining from my dear husband about the abysmal display. With the weather that has turned and no sign of snow for a couple of days for sure, I took my car to get washed.

I forgot what it looks like to peer out of clean windows while I drive, so refreshing and what a little pleasure in someone`s day. It was a much needed little thing, such an easy way to get a smile on my face. Finally, a clean car and the dirt gone! Sometimes things are so easy.

A Positive surrender...

My life is far different than I would have been able to predict over a month ago, things have changed in ways I couldn't believe and soaking it all in with precaution.

But in the evolution of working mommy with goals that drive me, girls who make my life worth living and a marriage that I work at to be in for a lifetime and passion that I want to be proud about having within me things seem to have changed already.

Everyday I learn something more about myself, in retrospect and comparison of others who cross my path. My networking has quadrupled and my zest for life multiplied in ways I couldn't imagine.

My personal work goals have re-surged, I reawaken the passion for my own dreams and pursuits and look forward to doing all it might take to attain such goals. But that is only the one change in my life. Every detail has changed inside of me... my personal goals such as better health, better weight and even happy thoughts have become something that I feel need to be dealt with and no longer put on the bench during the game of life.

I realised a lot about myself in the last week, a more superior notion that I am more than I ever let myself believe I was. I am smarter and important- and my own view of my self worth should be greater than I ever let it be and that I need to allow myself to tell people about how I should expect to be treated.

I got on the elliptical machine, while tiring and exhausting... while I wanted to give up in the first 15 minutes that I had done I finished my 30 minute session. My food has been controlled, my overall activity far higher than ever before and I am proud to record a 4 pound reduction on my scale. How couldn't I be relishing in the changes that I have experienced recently. And why shouldn't I? So with all the changes that are happening around me... with all the different things on my plate and ideas and emotions I see on my plate I have encompassed a new thought process about focusing only on positive attributes within myself, others and the situations that surround me.

So, if I can say something... it is maybe focusing isn't something we can do everyday with the million of tasks we take on, but let's focus on the positive for a week; it would be nice for once!

Torn...

Have you ever felt torn up inside with a decision that almost seemed to hard to make and yet so easy at the same time?

How about knowing you want to do something but worried you will regret if you do it?

This is the crazy emotion I have been feeling all day, torn between a decision I want to take but can't begin to process the thoughts that are running through my head, lacking the confidence I need to get anything and feel like I might be in an emotional standstill.

I am sitting through the process debating what is best, pro and con lists... and personal happiness! But then I remind myself of the choices I make are no longer just about myself but a decision that I make that is best for my family and our needs as a unit not just one person and their wants or needs.

How do you cope... what do you do when things seem like you can't come up with an answer?

Snow...

I live in the great North...

but I can never get use to the snow. 29 years later and every time I see a new blanket of snow I am in awe of the beauty and bothered that I have to go out there to get in my car, to put on my boots, gloves and whatever may entail on the inside of my wardrobe to keep me extra warm.

Just can't get use to this SNOW!

Working mom, struggles?

So I started a new job a few weeks ago!

Haven't been part of the working world for years, was dying to get back into the grind and apply myself and all of my talents to this great working world out there.

But who knew it would be far different than I had assumed for me and my little family; role reversal happened and my husband is at home with the girls far more than I am and well he's become Mr. Mom. I don't have any issues with that, actually I envisioned the day that this might actually be a reality... but I can't seem to balance. I get home so late... by the time we eat as a family and how late it is, my girls still aren't ready to sleep. Their days not as exhausting in the cold of winter, their time filled with large empty gaps and extra long naps recently, it's nearly MY bedtime and they are still up running circles around each other.

I am done, when I get to putting my eldest to bed, if I don't focus to stay awake I could find myself crashing and falling asleep beside her... which would be a nightmare as my alarm clock is in my actual bedroom.

I can't seem find to balance anything else with my time, no drinks with any friends, no workout with the elliptical machine that keeps me company in my family room and is seconds away from my couch... reality is I don't get a chance to make it on my couch to watch TV even; because I can't make it down the stairs from putting my daughter to bed.

I leave for work my girls still sleeping, I get home it's soon bedtime... how do you working mothers do it? Actually how do working father's do it? I feel contempt and guilt ridden, I feel like somehow there must be another way to work this out but I can't seem to be able to figure out what others might have mastered.

How do you cope?

Mmmmm Pork!

New Year's day is a big occasion in my family, since I was a little girl. The day before is the night to go out and enjoy the night and the festivities that might be of your interest but come the day of the New Year in our household it was always family day.

Since my mom had her aneurysm a few years doing the whole shebang would be much for her, we live coincidentally 2 minutes away from each other- so I took on the meat course of the day. Tired of Turkey, not feeling beef, fish not a New Year feast kind of meal and Lamb is an Easter dish in our household; I changed it up.

Pork Roast it was... we had looked to get a half Ham, because we had done it for a dinner with my in laws and both my husband and I were in love with the way it had come out. But no Ham at the grocery store the day before New Year's (insert great planning on behalf of my mother and I) and they (my husband and my mother went shopping together) found a 3lb. Pork Roast. It wasn't a cut of pork I have ever made before, no bone just a whole slab of pork.

So with a little finagling and research I concocted what might be my greatest meat dish to date... except I am still partial to my lamb chops. I made an apricot garlic maple syrup glazed pork with roasted Pears and Apples. (If you want the recipe message me!)

And it was DIVINE!!! My sister who is the worst food intolerant... yeah I said intolerant, she doesn't like to eat it, she doesn't like to see food sitting around and she definitely can't stand food touching each other on her plate asked me when I would be making it again.

Simply superb... simply to good not to have pork. I know there are tons of you out there who don't eat pork... but it was really that good.

What is your waist size?

Before the end of last year I had declared my ambitions to lose weight, that my self interest in being the best physical I could ever be in my adult life intrigues me. And with a new year that has started and listening to all the weight loss resolutions that are out there it's hard not to listen and attempt to filter out the junk that will only be good for short term changes and not long term goals.

If you know me I have a huge liking towards Dr. Oz, watched him while he was on Oprah every time I had a free Tuesday afternoon. But his first episode back into the new year he had a weight loss resolution, can you believe every year 80 million Americans declare some sort of weight loss resolution. Where do we all go wrong that we just can't get our acts together and stay a healthy weight. He tackled a medical couples fridge ( yeah fat doctor and his also heavy nurse wife... what does that say about the Health care system when even the doctors are considered clinically obese?), he had a work out routine, a success story and tricks to get you to lose weight but he said the most light bulb moment for me....

Your waist should not be more than half your height, if so that means you are OVERWEIGHT!! I am a mere 5'4" tall, not a tall woman, a fairly short but not short enough to be a petite person... thank goodness! After realising that that means my waist should not be any bigger than a 32" waist... I am no where near that. Not that I should strive 32, that's the max size my waist should ever be.

I think about where I went wrong in the comfort of my own shoes, how years of weight gain accumulated over years. This astronomical number as I see it, the highest non-pregnant weight recorded by me. Drastically unassuming, creeping up day by day, one less day of activity to where the days with activity became rarer and more far found.

Weight is a problem I never gave much merit, I generally was OK with myself... don't get that wrong; as a thinner person before I could see the weight accumulating the way my body was changing and the way it felt was not something I enjoyed. But I didn't let it define me, I was never taken by my weight gain or my fat.

Yeah I said it... my FAT! I know this word isn't liked much, I know people shy away from it, but any excess weight that I was accumulating was well... FAT. Fat pockets that only get larger, bigger or even enormous. Knowing that my years of stress have added to my belly weight in the most unhealthy manner and that not nipping it in the bud when I first started to see the signs of my weight gain has brought me somewhere that I don 't like, that I am truly bothered with.

I feel stuck in my rut, wondering what it will take to get the weight off, what it will take to deal with the reality that it won't happen tomorrow, that I can expect instant success that the process is slow but sweet, that it's a daily journey into really rediscovering my body and what it actually is suppose to look like as a healthy normal mother of 2 amidst of turning 30.

I know I am not the first or last person to deal with my weight loss issues, I know it won't change instantly and I am hoping that more will come from this route in self respect, because I obviously didn't respect my physical self enough to appreciate the poor skin that had stretched throughout the years, the organs that are probably laden in fat and their inability to function at full capacity because I wanted that extra piece of roast beef at dinner, that skor brownie at lunch, that extra scoop of mash potato.

Here is the first attempt to keep my self accountable... my weight is MY ISSUE, I NEED TO DEAL WITH IT! No more sweeping it under the rug, no more hanging it in the closet... I don't have space anymore for my weight problem... I am promising myself to deal with it. It just needs to be dealt with, not for anyone, not for my vanity, not for a pair of jeans; just the reality that it's an issue that I put aside for too long and it needs my attention.

My candor maybe too much, my honesty to bleak... but I promise to deal with it the most honest and realistic way to do so. No more hiding in my weight, my fat... time to be honest and get out of this---

New Year, new beginning...

Been a while since I posted, been a lot going on around these neck of the woods.

Can't believe the last decade has come and gone, really puts a time stamp on the relationship I have been in for the last 12 years, as being that for sure longer than a decade.

Got married, had 2 beautiful children, went to school, went to school again... watched the twin towers come down, got to visit the twin towers, my grandmother pass, a motorcycle accident and a trip to Mexico I vow to one day either redo or never mention ever again.

But as of late this mommy who stayed at home and worked on her very little jewelry business had landed herself a little job that I am utmost excited about and eagerly absorbing as much as the outdoor work world has to teach me.

I struggle with the obvious of leaving my children for hours on end, to spending very little with them when I am home... but experiencing the emotional freedom of being useful as a whole person, providing myself to the grand scheme of this thing we call life and as someone said really at the end of the day working is good for the soul.

My life is fairly a different situation no crazy party, no drinking binge... a lot of what was a parental night in with are kids nicely tucked into their beds, a small Australian bottle of sparkling wine and the countdown from Time Square on TV. My life isn't about the newest club scene or very long coffee dates with magazines in tow... I don't shop til the bank card is empty and well, I really don't shop for myself much anymore.

But what I learnt this last month into transition into what might be a new year to come with hopes and dreams, and things I look forward to making my reality... is that a decade is not that long, it really can go by and not doing, being or attempting to persevere and hold forth in my personal well being and good health - I only do myself a disservice. So for the next decade to come I am looking to myself, to my gut, my heart and my head to make decisions that I only feel best interest me and my family... that within me I am driven by my wants and needs of life and that I can truly do what I dream of doing.

Resolutions to many to list at the moment... but when I put forth getting some of them accomplished or off the ground I will share... promise!!

So I ask what are your resolutions?