Talking, Walking and Thought Process!!

I don't know what happens to me, what takes over my psyche and self doubt creeps in and takes hold to my thought process.

As you know, I am working on my personal walk thru The Happiness Project... it is for this reason I do so. It's for my personal search to figure out what takes over in my head, where it comes from and how to stop it or at least control it.

Wouldn't fathom to tell you it's voices (that thought makes me think of 1950's straight jackets) but it's more like an eternal dialogue that somehow plays itself out... it's like I know better, I want more I just can't get there. I keep trying but persevering to complete a task to feel an inner confidence about the decision and not reevaluating before it even gets off the ground.

I know I am capable... I have had that conversation with myself. Can I do this? Yes! Am I capable of doing the work this requires? Yes! Am I worth the results this can bring forth? Of course! What do you have to lose in trying your hardest and possibly succeeding? Nothing!! So then why don't you just do it? I DON"T KNOW!

This is a constant conversation in my head--- has been for years. Why don't you send that resume to a position you like? Why don't you pursue this? Why not this? Why is that? Why, why, why?????

I try and assume it's rearing... I always blame things on rearing... LOL! But my father was great at some things, he had no boys, staunch conservative and old fashion Greek man with no sons made his daughters to feel nothing but equality sex wise. I am no less than any man. And if you have ever been in a social setting with me you know this... hold my own no problem, any conversation I can partake in, no man intimidates me (this is probably why the majority of my friends in H.S. were guys)

But somewhere my self belief in the world as a whole gets lost... they say people fear success! How is that possible? I try and see myself like that, do you fear being successful? NO it's what I want.

I just had a light bulb moment as I typed to you all... love the cathartic relationship blogging has brought to me. I am not scared of success, I fear failure! I fear about going out there trying hard and coming back empty handed... but that is not good! I look forward to walking myself through that, acknowledging this feeling, this thought process and believe that life is about all the things you try and succeed and the ones you try and learn from your lack of success!

Time to relish the moments that life has to offer!~

Good Conversation

I sometimes can be a pain of a weird sense of melancholy with a smile on my face and then there are days like today where I vibrate enthusiasm, glee and sheer joy.

I am an easy girl to please all I need is good conversation!

Today I had the pleasure of getting out of my house for some great conversation and some mommy talking (this is when mommy's get together and just talk--- so needed when you are stuck at home a lot). A larger scaled playdate at my friend Julie's house, where my girls bombarded her house, but talked about networking, working and coping with husbands. Where watching our kids play and do is just as much fun as the rest of the conversation.

Once the girls were sleeping from their exhausting earlier part of their day, husband at home doing his thing... I went over to visit a neighbour mommy! Simple conversation and Olympic watching; such ease and simple girly girl conversation just being able to divulge and be honest. Refreshing!

I really do relish these simple outings, I am not wearing anything fantastic, we aren't solving world peace... but for the hour of sanity, for that moment when you realise you aren't the only one feeling something, reacting to something or just appreciating each others understanding of the lack of sleep that mommies suffer from and regrouping after birth--- it really doesn't get any better!

My Happiness Project!

I have embarked in the next phase of improving myself. Perhaps because I believe we are some kind of clay to be molded and only when we have reached perfection in self and understanding that we can move on to our next destination. But enough of my surrealism...

I am reading The Happiness Project, the excitement inflicted within myself on the idea of reading the book is almost unfound around here. It came to me in a little Chapters bag and delivered to me by a so loving father who was willing to go and pick it up for me because I was so impatient about having it he went without a question.

I have read my first chapter and even kept reading to the next 2, if I am engrossed in a book I can't be good and read slowly... I must forge ahead.

The first chapter titled January is the beginning of the quest... what can and be the catapult into a freedom that is happiness. Gretchen describes her book as her personal way... it works for Gretchen, I think this means it's up for interpretation and things can be reformatted for you and your personal life but the tasks at hand this month are:

1. Go to sleep earlier


2. Excercise better


3. Toss, restore, organise


4. Tackle a nagging task


5. Act more energetic

How these reflect my personal goals and what I plan on tackling each month (perhaps 3 weeks for me) because everything I read was that it takes 21 days of doing the same task to make it a habit... so here goes!

Go to sleep earlier--- this will be a task and a half for me, I am a night owl can't sleep unless I am exhausted and lap up the quiet time in my house to do everything from washing dishes to mundane tasks as checking my twitter acct, working on my blog and so on.

Excercise better--- to me this is avoiding it period... I tend to be lackadaisical about working out, if it happens it does it if doesn't well it didn't; but that is unacceptable feeling towards overall health. I need to take responsibility for my excercise regimen... so with my aerobic class I have added a belly dancing class as well. That make 2 classes a week... perhaps more energy that will make me to want to do more.

Toss, Restore, Organise--- if you know me I am incapable of letting go, every piece of clothing means a ton to me. I have a physical and emotional attachment to pieces when I was a teen I still haven't been able to let go of. Silliness you say... CORRECT! I have a girlfriend who has demanded I purge, it is happening this weekend. All of it, if I haven't worn it for the last 2 years I am ready to let it go. ( I hear you say 2 years, but hey I was pregnant for a great period of time so it's not cause I didn't want to, it's because I couldn't fit in it.)

Tackle a nagging task--- I have plenty and I would be in awe of meeting someone who didn't! I have a few on my list of things that just need to get done, they are big tasks that keep getting pushed and pushed because it's easier to get the small stuff in comparison done first, no more procrastination just getting er done attitude!

Act more energetic--- not sure what this means to Gretchen, to me it means just do it now. Why wait, why prolong, why say in a minute.... if you just do it, if you believe you have the energy to just do it now then do it! This is something I lack mostly because of example ( a name I will keep to myself) but if others are taking a easy approach then so will I. Something I need to let go of.

So are you reading the happiness project, will you be joining me along on this process...

Organised Chaos!

I am a product of Organised Chaos...

If you know me I wouldn't read organised, I am a disheveled mess. My hair is usually the last thing on my priority list, I don't do my bed every morning and dishes will pile up high in my kitchen. Thus assuming I am a slob.

In a weird form of protest I think I have become this way due to the Organised Chaos that was my childhood. Why do I call it this... my mother's house immaculate, licking the floors possible. We lived in the house with the plastic on the living room couches, a dining room that was only for extreme special occasions. I don't remember, running, playing or enjoying our couches for anything other than birthdays and Christmas.

My mother the Queen of the Tidy... but would I say our lives were organised- NO! My mother had her crap together, her chores, her cleaning, her laundry, her ironing... stuff she felt she could control. But this didn't mean everything else was organised. From her frustration she yelled, when she wasn't interested in dealing with her life she wasted hours on end talking on the phone with friends forgetting dinner (because she wasn't hungry) as well as bed time (because well I was the quiet child and she didn't hear me so she didn't think much of dealing with me.)

Don't get me wrong I am not complaining about my mother... if you know me I love my mother with her quirks, I believe we behave and are the product of our rearing and my mother came from a bizarre and volatile household.

In return I protest... ask me where something is in my house, I can tell you, ask me someones phone number and it is memorised in my head (if I was left stranded in the middle of nowhere land I could call anyone). My disorganised house plays no affect on my personal well being... my children are happy and smart, I am loving and love being happy and I take no reflection from my personal possession. They don't make me, I am me with my stuff or without it- something that my mother didn't know how to teach us or show for herself.

We are that family you see at the beach playing in the mucky sand, making sand castles, getting our feet wet in the water, wetting our jeans but at home there might be dishes in my sink... because we are Happy!

Sometimes I get worried about other's opinions, what others might say... sometimes people don't keep their opinions to themselves and I listen and sometimes I let it bother me. But mostly I appreciate the people, the experiences and the love I have.

I am a different version of organised chaos... we appear to have chaos around us, but we are organised and happy instead of the organised exterior and the falling apart at the seams that my upbringing was.

Do you feel happy?

I have a bug...

I HAVE THE OLYMPIC BUG!

I am not a sporty girl... I use to play soccer, I plan for my daughters to play soccer but I don't know how to ride a bike, can't ski down a mountain, can't throw a basketball into the net, can't skate/Rollerblade. I can swim circles around you... and free float--- I would never drown!!

Happy Beautiful Valentine's Day

Just wanted to wish you all a very Happy Valentine's Day!!! Hope you all find love, someone to share good conversation, plenty of laughter and happy silence with!

Pursuit of Happiness!

Not sure where to even begin this post... but let's try!

I sat in the movie theater years ago in anticipation of the movie "Pursuit of Happiness" featuring Will Smith; a story I had watched on the Oprah Winfrey show about a man who was at his complete end and didn't give up hope to succeed to make his life better than it was.

Now I sat there, with a glimmer of an idea of what was awaiting me throughout the movie, a man whose personal need to keep his child, his career and life's goals in his constant realm of possibility that at his lowest of lows he never gave up.

My husband decided to put the movie on again this evening... and it stirred an emotional thought in me. What do you do to get your personal pursuit of happiness? What is your personal idea of happiness?

Would I sleep in a bathroom with no idea of a home, would I work an non-paying job with the hope that one day I might get one that pays... and to boot, how would I feed my child every day.

In this trying economic time, there must be people amongst people with these situations, some who will wallow in the self worth and others who will persevere to have more and do more. But why do people only go deep inside their personal realm to achieve greatness only after they have reached the complete most rock bottom of their personal situation?

My life crossed someones path recently, someone who was unmarried and in no serious personal relationship, both parents had passed away and he went through all his personal savings and he didn't know how to bring himself out of his self pitying force; he only continued to dig himself deeper, as if his situation couldn't get worse... he couldn't appreciate his own self worth and he couldn't grasp his on need to pull up his boot straps to get himself together for himself!

I am in my pursuit of happiness... I see it--- what will I bring to get my happiness, what will I sacrifice to get it... who knows but it's time to focus and PURSUE!

Destination... out-there!

My sister is in a plane and might be landing to her destination as I am typing, a nice warm sunny beach with all-inclusive food and drinks and not having to clean up after oneself for a week... sounds like utter bliss.

It has left me with the thoughts of where I would love to go next. Husband and I have not been on a planned vacation ever really... we went to Mexico for a month , our honeymoon non-existent since I couldn't leave on a Monday to return on another Monday, I was only entitled to the one week of vacation.

But I want to go somewhere pretty, historical with ornate buildings.... city scape's, city gardens, ... rivers, lakes, walkways... it needs to be pretty. To take my whole family and take an abundant amount of pictures in front of historical buildings of some sort. This is what I envision.

I am leaning to Berlin... not sure how to plan or budget for cation if you want to laugh at me, I learnt a beautiful habit from my parents... you want to go on a vacation you wait til you have a surplus and then go. Truly... this has been the way to go on vacation in my family. We have a friend in Paris awaiting us, another in Spain, another in Memphis.... I could head out to Victoria, B.C. and see a fellow mommy- ohhh I obviously want to see it all and do it all... but I need to figure out what I want more and try and get that vacation down first.

Where are you planning on going next? Do you go on long planned out jaunts to anywhere? Share... I am curious!?!?!?

Dear John!

I am not accustomed to writing reviews and well it isn't something I have thought about on my blog, but mommy went to the movies yesterday night and was left with plenty of emotions from the movie.

Haven't been to a movie in a while and wanted to see a Date quality movie, a romantic loving movie. So, Dear John it was. A name I found horribly reminiscent of a ill-fated television show I could have cared less for during the late 80's. This movie started off as I expected it too... young love taking over your screen, passion, good loveliness and well believable. John (Channing Tatum) a brooding soldier falls for affluent horse riding Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) typical story thus far. Channing Tatum fantastic, his physicality perfect for the character he played and he was definitely easy on the eyes the whole movie. As I fell for their relationship, as I wanted them to be together in the end I began to hate the Savannah character, perhaps written in this manner, I hate that she was weak and unaware of her emotions... that she could allow her personal self need to care for others and less for herself.

I started to get attached to Tatum's characters father, an autism story that plays out second story line to the love story. It's a pretty strong theme that made me weep far more than any other parts of the love story.

I watched and watched this story unfold growing ever more disappointed with the direction of this story, Tatum never fell short, portraying his character til the end and displaying true emotion. I hated the ending of this movie, I felt left disappointed and truly jipped. It felt like the movie felt rushed in the end.

This movie was far more a display of Channing Tatum as an actor and the movie wasn't as stellar as the authors previous book turned movie, The Notebook.

If I were...

A post in honour of a blogger that I love to follow FabBrunette

If I were a month, I'd be July.

If I were a day of the week, I'd be Tuesday.

If I were a time of the day, I'd be 9:00pm.

If I were a planet, I'd be the Moon.

If I were a sea animal, I'd be a Dolphin.

If I were a direction, I'd be South.

If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be a Niermann Weeks Valois Canopy Bed.

If I were a liquid, I'd be an Ice cold sweet with milk Frappé.

If I were a gemstone, I'd be an Amethyst.

If I were a tree, I'd be a fruitful fig tree.

If I were a tool, I'd be a paint brush.

If I were a flower, I'd be a Peonie.

If I were a kind of weather, I'd be a cool breeze on a hot summer day.

If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a Viola.

If I were a colour, I'd be Pink.

If I were an emotion, I'd be Bliss.

If I were a fruit, I'd be a Strawberry.

If I were a sound, I'd be crashing waves off the coast of Greece.

If I were an element, I'd be Titanium.

If I were a car, I'd be Mercedez Mini.

If I were a food, I'd be Butter Cream iced cupcake.

If I were a place, I'd be Park Avenue.

If I were a fabric, I'd be a French Lace.

If I were a taste, I'd be sweet.

If I were a scent, I'd be a blend of coffee, Vanilla cookies and Orange Blossoms.

If I were an object, I'd be a Pink Kitchenaid Mixer.

If I were a body part, I'd be the nape of the neck.

If I were a facial expression, I'd be a SMILE.

If I were a song, I'd be Nothing Compares to you.

If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be a Christian Lacroix Jewel Wedged sandals.

Weighing my options...

You all might know that I have been working on my physical weight this year, you all know this has been a large journey to cope and deal with for me... as in I won't put my foot into the water unless I am diving all in.

I don't go window shopping, don't just have a bite of cake and I don't know how do something if I am not doing the thing full heartedly.

I had started a blog last year about my ambitions to run for city council because I think parents are under viewed in the city scope and we are a large community with needs, programs and a voice in cabinet.

But there is a wrench in my plans... or is it more like in my train of thought. Things seem to be picking up for me work wise, I see a future of bright and happy projects that might be great and fantastic in my world of fashion fabulousness (I work in the fashion industry but that is for another post I promise). Do I let my ideal, my vision, my dream to work in the greater good of fixing my city that is in economical turmoil, in a city that is divided by over spending and under funding for core needs.

If I do this it will take away way too much time from my family... does a year of campaign usurp a chance at 4 years of doing something great for my community and city. Will this affect my children, will I get the support I need, will this be worth the effort, the time???

Is this what mother's brains do during the time to make a decision, is the indecisiveness of the decision worse than the decision itself??

I plan on making a decision soon, nothing is lost in the decision I take.... my family is my sole priority in when the decision is made and how it will affect my nuclear family, if my husband is up for the task and if we can put a schedule that works for me in my campaigning duties as well as having time for my girls.

A lot to think about... but that is my process this year to make the best decisions for me, follow my life path meant for me and just work my tail off to get it done.

Social Calendar?

Do you have a social calendar?

Social calendar, you might ask... if you were me a few months ago and someone even mentioned you'd have the same face as I would and think what on earth is a social calendar?

I don't think I could have fathomed what a social calendar is, what it takes to have one or how on earth one gets one.

There's a calendar sitting on your wall... tells you what you are doing this month, Dr's appointments, children's vaccine schedule, dentists, work, activities for the girls and in that nothing else. Where is the social aspect of your calendar?

I am not talking play dates with the neighbours but hey if you are doing that at least you are getting some social interaction... I am saying where is the ballet, the opera, a play, when are you taking in an art exhibit, a movie or even a dinner date? And how many of those don't contain your your kids and your family?

I have my first art exhibit this month... I don't remember the last time I went to an art exhibit. I am ridiculously excited about going, it will be a date night for my husband and I but in a social setting that should be interesting and eclectic with an art crowd and art connoisseurs... how can that go wrong.

Though working has changed my perspective of the social calendar... I understanding the importance of it. Socialising is what keeps you current and important in your society... you can't continue m network with a group that doesn't grow. Life is about the people you meet and the interactions you have with the people in your life.

So it's time to get a hold on your social calendars... and don't make the same mistake I did, don't ignore that aspect of your life, it's important to nurture the social part of your psyche and the relations you have and want to continue to flourish.

Mother watching TV...

I use to be a crazy TV watcher! My family use to call me the TV guide, not because I watched everything, but I could remember what was good on TV every night of the week what everyone watched and how to schedule all of our coordinating TV watching so that no one ever argued.

Having 2 babies in a short period of time has put a stop to this TV passion... ask me now what is one Wednesday night on TV on any channel I couldn't give you an answered even if I tried. I watch promos for all these great shows and can't wait to watch them but they start, they go on and I forget about them and even that they even existed.

Some Deep End series started, no clue when it's on or when to watch it period. I am a dedicated Heroes watcher, at least I believe I am even though I miss episodes because well I forget what day it is and that it's on. I also need to watch Biggest Loser because newly it inspires me... it use to make me eat if you could believe it to watch all those heavy people working out.

I have my own Soap Opera of choice.... Young and the Restless... can't forget when it's on because been watching it since I was 10 I think, and well if I miss a day or 2 I can jump right in when I remember to put it on.

I watch what I would like to call useless TV, when my children are asleep and I can finally rest it is now 11 pm, I turn on my local Star TV and watch the ridiculousness that is the Magazine shows- the Access Hollywood and Extra shows followed by a repeat of the days Dr. Oz and if I am not comatose by 2 am I will watch the beginning of The View.

Not that I need to watch these, actually I continue to dream about the day I think it's feasible to get myself a PVR so that I don't waste my TV watching to numbingly dumb TV but to quality shows with quality actors that are dramatic or even funny.

What are you watching on your Boob Tube?