29

Ohhhhh 29!!!

I have been anticipating your arrival for the last while, I was awaiting the ability to get rid of 28. 28 came in with a bang, a night of high spending and lavishness to a year that was marred with broken bones, dwindling bank accounts and well not much else to say.

My girls just kept getting bigger, my sleep less and less and my time for my self non existant. I don't know what hold on me 28 had but it was one of meakness, with disregard and no self control to get myself out of my looped perverse notions of what was going on around me.

Not a twisted mind as it might read, but I suffered from severe rut for the last year, and it was a rut that wouldn't be easy to climb out of. But 29 has been here 5 days and so far so good. I feel renewed!

I am a numerological nerd too... and 29 is a year 11 or should I say 2; and that means this is a year for personal change for me, and change from the last year is exactly what the doctor ordered.

I have already seen the change, the mood, the enthusiasm! I have seen the gusto, the perseverance and the drive. And I am truly loving the self evaluation and confidence.... and I smile at their arrival. Where years of being an emotional pushover and tending to others whims and wants I somehow rightfully know my place and my self worth. I embraced my empoweredness and really smile at the life that is ahead of me with humility and grace. Because 29 might be the half of 58, it might be shy of 30 but to me it's 29 years of growth, 29 years of moments that will not define me but be lessons to how I am better and stronger than ever before.

I turned 16, 18, 19, 21, 25 and never felt excited! All those milestones came and went, all those moments of things I can or cannot do just really didn't seem to please me, they never made me feel better or worse about the life I had and they never said things would be different because of them. But 29 speaks volumes... a mom of 2 with confidence and drive! You don't get that when you get your drivers license, you don't get that when you can play the lotto or vote, not when you can legally get alcohol, when you know you can drive south and drink anywhere in the world or when turning the true age of adulthood. I look back and mock those years and what people have touted them as so grand or wonderful.

I am 29, so proud, so illustrious.... and let me tell you looking forward to the big 30; but for now I am going to soak in 29 and take in all the wonderful it has in store for me. 29 bring it ON!~

Sleep, what's that?

The title says it all... my nights are restless and are going to get worse. I am not one of those people who needs a full night sleep every night, who would rather sleep in than anything else... on the complete opposite... I strive on little sleep... I am never really tired and well I like to stay up late hours.

But I can't keep my youngest out of my bed and because of it, I no longer sleep in it. I chose not to sleep in it because I am the lightest of sleepers as is my daughter, I can not have her touching me, talking to me or crying beside me and fall asleep as my husband does. I need quiet and peace to fall asleep and stay that way. Snoring has become something my body won't allow me to ignore if awake but can tolerate once sleeping. My light sleeper though can't have me moving her when she is kicking me in the ribs or caressing my arm or any other form of skin she can find under the covers.

So I get up, and out of my bed head over to my knocked out hard daughter who doesn't realise her sister was wailing beside her in the crib next to her. So sleep has become a luxury I don't get... which is why we invest in socks (LOL)! I am looking forward to sleep again one day.

A new luxury...

It's cold outside here, winter feels like it might have come early here.

Winter evokes thoughts of cocoa, throw blankets, warm fires, spiced baked goods... and cold feet. I don't own a pair of boots that I care to own, I never buy a new pair because it doesn't matter the fashion trends of the year they all remind me of witches shoes. So low flung running shoes and high heels with openings are usually my shoes of choice.

But that wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't sock less... yes you read that right without socks I like to roam, snow, sleet, and slush; if you ever had the chance to share in my presence you too would know I am the most anti-sock human being you'll ever meet. But this week I did the unthinkable for myself... I bought socks!!!

Socks are important in my household, my daughters are like I; they don't care to wear socks while roaming the house, we may have slippers on but no socks. Socks is something that goes on just before the shoes do to go outside. I have to buck up and be the bigger person and wear socks as I find them cumbersome and suffocating if you can believe it; and for reasoning with my children to get their socks on it would help if when they look down they notice that mommy is wearing socks just like daddy does.

So for this first winter I will not be walking around sock less in my Pumas, I will be wearing.... prepare yourself, LUXURIOUS SOCKS.

Well they say go big or go home, if I have to put these awful one hole tubes on my feet, cover my already warm feet so they get over heated in any material this won't be the kind of socks that come out of a bag of 12 or 20 pairs, they won't be cheap or bought on the fly. They aren't socks they are luxurious socks, they even have a special tag that marks them this way, made with angora and cashmere, softer than cotton balls... sparkly with bows, like a fine sweater, a texture that evokes warmth and goodness.

4 pairs in total were purchased, a beautiful camel coloured pair of Liz Clairborne socks with a speckled sparkle that is most likely woven in the yarn and a great little velvet bow, a fantastic

oatmeal coloured Ellen Tracy (2 luxury labels adorn these) with a fantastic ribbing and an angora and cashmere blend that is to die for... and a set of knee highs that are slightly reminding me of a friend I had in high school who you couldn't get out of dresses and knee highs, that are black anti-bacterial and made of bamboo... love fashion ingenuity and that I had learnt about the newness of bamboo over 4 years ago and that it finally has trickled down to the most mundane of socks.

So if you see me walk down the street and I have a different step, a little more bounce and a warm smile... it's because my feet are in a chalet in the Poconos, enjoying the snow from a fireplace crackle filled room, sipping on hot cocoa with marshmallows while Perry Como is playing in the background. Smile with me... what is the last luxurious item you bought yourself?

December!!!!!!!

December is the craziest month in our household... not just because we are decorating and having people over. It's our everything month.

Both M & I are Sagittarius', meaning we have our birthdays just days apart... but a great deal of our closest friends are also Sags. We have our parties to think about, everyone else's birthdays to think about, Christmas parties, Christmas related events... and the list goes on and on.

I love December but because of the hustle and bustle of this month, Christmas wanes in the background not getting the attention it highly deserves and really falls down my totem poll of favorite holidays because I just plain don't enjoy it. I enjoy the side bits... making cookies, baking, decorating, the trees, the shopping... when do I ever not enjoy the shopping; but when the day finally rolls around I am not feeling festive or enjoying the day as much as I would love to.

This year I turn a big ol 29.... one more year and I will have hit 30, a leap into completely adulthood, a milestone as any. If you know you mean that is a year I plan on making this largest splash and am working towards it. You can follow that portion along at http://www.runningfor30.blogspot.com/

Usually though for our birthdays since they are a whole 3 days apart we usually throw a birthday party together, invite all of our closest friends to our house, have drinks and hors d'oeuvres and just have a good time of it. Last year we went out to a "local"spot and payed for the drinks and having been feeling the sting since. We are in full on debate mode here about what is to be done this year... I'd rather to go somewhere on King St. and have a night of it, M disagrees because he wants to be able to have intimate conversation and stuff. So who knows what we'll do.

For those who are feeling festive I found a printable calendar in case you wanted something more festive to put up maybe make the little kiddies colour it and then hang it on the fridge with things marked down to do... I am going to be doing so this evening. Let me know what you are looking forward to this December.

Friends...

Ever since having my girls outings for me have become a distant memory. Getting all done up a luxury far beyond my realm, late nights an immeasurable distance, dates a word that doesn't pass my lips and friends well to hard to schedule hectic lives.

Don't get me wrong, none of this a complaint. I have been my biggest advocate in my ever growing family... my brood grown so quickly others heads spin, while M and I try and get a footing and have our own personal normal.

During the last couple of days I have experienced the joys that are my friends... girlfriends from my high school years came over with their significant others and a baby in tow. A lot has changed, experiences, area codes and life circumstances; but you know you are so excited when even in silence and moments of no talking you know this is the only place you want to be right now. That with all the days of no talking, the missed life moments no words need to describe how close we were and how we will always be.

Today I had another friend visit from a neighbour friend... someone you saw almost daily for other reasons from school, you don't share mutual friends and moving away is always something that tears you apart. But late nights sitting on a porch, stories that no one else understands, laughing about neighbourhood memories, kids at the park and things that we did in the part of the city we lived in.

Friends are great and for me a rare commodity I really can't get enough of. Being a mommy has put a strain on my schedule which has affected the times I get to share with friends... but when those moments come, when you get to share even the great moment of silence, you know that the person sitting in front of you only has your best interest at hand, only cares about you... not what you do, where you live or what you've acquired in your life time. I am lucky to call these people in my life my friends, hope you get to cherish your friends too- perhaps today is the day to do so. Call them up just to talk non-sense... reminding you and them that your friendship is made on a mutual bond of just caring.

Weight... no more wait!?!?!?!

It has now officially been 18 months since I have given birth to my youngest and there has been no change in my physical stature since.

I lost the gross amount of my 35 pounds weight gain right after the baby, it came off rapidly, most left when the baby came, I had 8 pounds to lose to get to the weight that the Dr. had weighed me at when we found out I was pregnant. I was though still 9 pounds heavier than when I had lost all the baby weight I had gained with my first daughter.

Last winter I had already thought about going on a diet, and I had... I had started a low calorie regimen, a full meal with all food groups being tackled. I had got a whole 10 pounds down in a month... not to hard as I think I might be on the heavier end of my physical scale for my height.

I had the energy to make healthy meals for myself, greens, lean proteins, brown rices... never missing a meal, completely emptying my house from carbonated crap (as I would like to now call it). I bought myself an elliptical machine because for years I have been suffering from burning calf syndrome... something that I really need to get on since I have been diagnosed since 2004 and really haven't made the effort to work on that or myself in general.

But as you all have been following I am in a search of bettering myself, providing myself with a reality that fits my emotional and mental portrayal of myself. I want to be the best me I can be and there is no longer pretending that the weight I am carrying currently is anything but a hindrance to my health, my longevity and providing my life and family with the most energetic and happy me there could be.

So here I go... follow me in my weight journey, I guess every once and a while I will update you all on my goals and my progress, it will be fun and it will be interesting... please forward me anything you think I might gain some knowledge from. I am always interested in trying anything that at the end of the day gives me a healthier me!

The morning after....

Sometimes I wonder what possesses me to go out to some places... and yesterday night reminded me that somethings just don't deserve a second chance.

Proudly enough yesterday night my littlest of cousins finally turned the ripe ol' age of 21, legal for 2 years I was pregnant when she became legal and so this year I had promised to go out partying with the whole family. Put my girls to bed, had my mom stay at our house and got myself and dear ol' husband ready for a night out on the town.

We headed out to what would be a younger crowd club, young indeed if I needed to babysit... been there before on a different night, had already experienced the loveliness that it felt to be the oldest person in the room and reminded myself that this is not for MOI!

Loud music (it only seems loud when it isn't any good), drunken teenagers, half naked girls and then I think to myself ohhhh yeah I am going to be 30 next year. Don't take me wrong anyone who knows me and loves me knows you can't take the party girl out of me, I live for a good night out clubbing to my hearts content... but there is a different vibe at an older club, there is a different code of conduct that is acceptable.

Husband chalks it up to a new found freedom, a new sense of sexuality that these kids (as I would like to call them) can find the liberty to bump and grind each other, make out with each other all at once and jump from one girl to another with a sheer desperation that is unforeseeable anywhere else.

Next month is my birthday I turn 29, I am actually excited, age doesn't faze me... but perhaps someone can direct me to a good club where I will party with age appropriate crowd and good ol HOUSE MUSIC that would be the thing for me... perhaps another Sunday at Cheval would have to do.

Coping with loss...

The other day I blogged about my grandmother (Yiayia), she wasn't doing as great as one could have hoped and her time came and she left us unfortunately.

Unfortunately not a word I think is befitting, but not sure what word to use. Her death, devastating horrible for us, a blessing in disguise for her and a conundrum of feelings for all. With her ever ailing health that was only disintegrating rapidly making her quality of life not one hoped for many. While she had the privilege to continue to live in her house til the last visit at the hospital had she been able to leave the hospital it would have been to an old age home which would have been devastatingly awful for my Yiayia.

So last Wednesday we lost her, and the weekend was spent grieving her departure... dealing with the loss, viewings and funerals. Mourning ensued, a husband who didn't falter for a moment and children who were beyond resilient.

I am sure I will get a barrage of complaints, but my daughters were given the opportunity to say their goodbyes as the rest of us were, they were permitted to enter and exit the viewing room as they pleased... they were walked over to the casket to say their final goodbyes while the room was fairly quiet and they both said Goodbye in their little voices. They are OK with the moment, no misunderstanding has been seen by them, they both understand that their big Yiayia is sleeping and won't be coming home.

My eldest realised it was not a happy occasion watching our Yiayia sleeping on display, they didn't come to church so that we could pray and mourn without distraction and they were left out of the burial part of the funeral... personally I think we all should be. I have not been able to realise why such must be done in the presence of all, why they reopen the casket for their last memory of the person be right over the open ground. Personally disturbing!

I am glad my daughters can have peace, I have a road, a journey to find mine... but in all I am glad she has moved on to her next part of her soul's journey.

It's almost here...

Christmas is one of my favorite time of years, it's not my favorite Holiday because it was always so grim and not so festive as a child. Every tradition I have for Christmas are ones that I started with myself or with my sister.

My parents never took me to the a Santa Claus parade, there wasn't much fanfare about decorating the house... there wasn't ever Christmas music in the house or Hot chocolate movie watching with my parents. I am not complaining actually because I love the new traditions I have become accustomed to.

Living in Canada, I will have to blushingly say I have only missed 1 Macy's Day Parade since I was in High School, I watch it followed by the Dog show. I have missed work and school to be able to stay home to watch it, the only year I missed it was when I worked as a receptionist at a Health care Center.

I decorate my tree with glee, I invite my cousins over to do it with me if they feel up to it... this year I plan on having the tree up before the first of December. I enjoy my fake tree, perhaps some don't think it's Christmas-y enough, but I get to enjoy it longer and like having it up for over a month. Mine doesn't come down til the 7th of January (St.John's day for Greek Orthodox and actual Christmas for old calendar Orthodoxes.)

Christmas a whole other day of TV related must have, I have never missed one Disney World Christmas Day Parade... I haven't missed it as a child awaiting patiently for the rest of my family to wake up, I was fine to sit on my own watching Mickey Mouse and other characters all decked in their Christmas garb.

I look forward to any new memories I can start with my daughters. I can't wait for them to be a smidgen older, I would like to do something charitable, something where we go visit other kids in the hospital or something a couple days before and they can play with them or something like that.

How do you celebrate Christmas, how do you feel about it?? You can thank fellow blogger about starting the Christmas buzz and if you live in a Canadian city, I can't get enough of the show Cityline which will be sharing a holiday decorating episode tomorrow (Nov.17). Here is to enjoying this season!

SPEECHLESS!

Children are SMART!

At least mine are... so being sick was one thing, and it seems like being sick is exceptionally detrimental to me because this is the second time I have been sick the whole of 2009 and both times getting a simple cold blows out into full on laryngitis.

Chalk it up to the fact that I talk to much, I talk to my kids too much, I complain to my family to much, I speak to much in my political meetings to much, I love to debate too much.... I talk to much and well my vocal chords are annoyed by me and I have been silenced.

Parental silence= Children's fantasy

Do this, eat your food, don't stick your fingers there, don't put that in your mouth, why are you naked, stop hitting your sister, let's change your diaper... commmoooonnnn let's change your diaper, do you want to go to your room, why are you being a bad girl, get off that, get down from there, you are going to hurt yourself... followed by yelling of Menace, Monster....

My children (and even my husband even though he won't admit it) are in bliss; I cannot verbalise anything, a whisper is difficult and well after everything I read about having laryngitis whispering is more strenuous on the larynx than talking. So how do your children repay me for my silence? They take, take and take some more advantage of me.

We have a large flat screen TV in our bedroom... (doesn't fit in the carved wood unit we have in the living room that my father made with his bare hands that I can't muster up the courage to do something with) they watch their very juvenile cartoons in that room because the largeness of the screen keeps them occupied. Today, after many weeks of behaving, understanding that mommy's room is her domain and not to be messed with... with a thought in their mind, being monkeys and jumping on my bed was the only form of entertainment they could enjoy in my room.

If you fret over the jumping you'd be surprised because that is the lightest point of their expedition of my room, see jumping would not suffice my daughters, because to them linens are obstacles, pillows are deterrents... they need to remove every item off the bed before commencing the frolicking of toddlers.

I can hear them as I come up to my room door giggling to their hearts content, laughing like there could be no better moment for them. I open the door, to which they stop instantly because my eldest is aware that linen removal is unacceptable.... frightened they are that Mommy Dearest might start yelling, they realise no such noise will leave my mouth, nothing no yelling, no sound of disappointment... they smirk.

Luckily my eldest to a point understands that such a behaviour would have not been accepted previously, she participates in putting the pillows back onto the bed. Only reason I wasn't highly irritated, by all means it's Sunday... it's time to change the linens anyways!

Sick!

Sick is a word that we unfortunately keep saying here in my house, one daughter sick, then the other, one of us parent sick and then it seems like we started to process all over again.

I have a cold again for the second time this fall.... I hate having a cold, the head pressure, the nasal congestion, the sore throat, the exceptional tiredness. I actually prefer to have the flu if that makes any sense.., you have a fever, you feel sore but when that all passes you know their is light at the end of the tunnel.

Since being pregnant with my girls and having sinusitis the whole pregnancy as soon as it starts again, I can't fathom how long it might take to full clear it out of my system. With my youngest it lasted 5 months.

So today when I woke up with such a significant sinus headache the idea of dealing with this gets the best of me emotionally, because like I said I hate having a cold. So here is to healing my cold, here is to knowing that it isn't anything more than a cold... let's hope it will be ok for me to take the girls to see Santa Claus this Sunday.

Dealing with sadness!

Today was a bit of an emotional day for me... it started off in a precarious way.

Last Thursday evening my poor Grandma suffered from heart failure, this hasn't been the first time... for the last year she has been in the hospital at least 4 times. My grandmother never the epitome of health, a smoker since the age of 13 a life not rich by all means but 84 years long thus far.

My Yiayia who was sold at the ripe age of 5 because her parents could not have fed her their poor was beyond poor. A father to her who was 70 at the age of her birth, a mother who obviously wasn't concerned about showing her love more than getting her food on the plate which she might eat. Never attended a day of school but she read and read and self taught herself to read the bible.

My Yiayia who had to draw the linens for the German soldiers who lived in the Estate my child slaved grandmother worked in, had to watch her brother shot in the head in front of other Spartans for disgruntling one of those soldiers who she had to set his dinner plate.

This poor Grandma whose name I carried for years in embarrassment, who never knew how to show her affection to her children, who tried to reach her grandchildren through song... we each have our very own; a tumultuous relationship that we had for years.

But in her weakest of moments, her most vulnerable... she sang to me and finally made me feel loved and understood.

I may be sad because I couldn't appreciate her all the times, I am sad that it took this long to truly feel loved and sad that perhaps one day she actually won't be around to share this love we actually have for each other deep in our cores.

My Yiayia's is mine... like yours is to you, but I can't imagine my life without my little 4 foot rollie-pollie smoking yiayia. I wish she knew how much she is finally understood!!!

The change is happening...

My beautiful cousin who has been also in a life inspiring change for herself kept telling me she feels that this month would be the month of change for me...

Right before October started my Husband lost his job in a very contrived manner, which he is attempting to deal with legally, it wasn't the best news for our family, as you know I don't work for now since I broke my shoulder. My business really took a dip and my personal life even worse.

But with the stroke of luck and sheer genius from a wife who does everything her husband doesn't do, I went job hunting online for my husband. Helps that I know the man like the back of my hand, we finish each others sentences, think the same at the same time, but are highly different. I know how his interior clock works. So there I was looking on Craigslist look up different kind of sectors. My husband use to work in the media/broadcasting industry, it wasn't his cup of Java (we don't drink tea!) He has always been an artist and someone who needed to do stuff with his hands, he airbrushed on the side and did private jobs here in the house from time to time.

Finally he gets to use his talents further, he got a full time position airbrushing for a sport equipment firm, he'll be their lead airbrush artist. It's a very exciting adventure I am happy for him to be taking, the pay is substantially better than anything he's ever made before so how could I not be.

So perhaps that little cousin of mine was right... October was our month of change. Perhaps with the fates of the Universe he had to lose his job to land the one he would be so happy to have.

weight loss for a mommy...

It has been over a year since I gave birth to my second daughter, I am still the heaviest I have been pre-baby. I am the heaviest I have ever been period.

Sad thought to me since I had started a goal to work out last year and thought I would have nipped this situation in the bud. But here I am trying to not indulge myself in junk food, which is my weakness. Not your chips or popcorn, not candy in wrappers... give me a piece of cake, ice cream, something with an icing or with whip cream on it and I am your girl.

But I am only getting older in years, a family history with some shotty medical history and a waist size that Dr. Oz would be disappointed with... yes I am a die hard Dr. Oz fan!

Not sure how I will just get passed this struggle inside of me to just lose weight to focus on what needs to get done, to work on myself physically not just mentally. I need a goal... I think if I have a goal that I need to attain for some reason I might be forced to be responsible for my lack of weight loss.

So I am going to begin blogging about my attempt to lose weight to try and keep myself in check of what I am and am not doing.

The Secret!!

I know the last time I wrote I said I was reading a Dr. Phil book.... but I ended up being side tracked and started reading a little known book called the Secret. I am not going to tout it's wonderfulness to you all or what it says. But well Self Matters... positive thinking is something you have to go through and believe in!

I have been in a self realisation, it's hard raising daughters under the age of 2, having a husband who came down with some sort of odd disease/cold. And really just trying to be the best mom, wife, daughter, sister, cousin and friend I can be. I tend to over extend, I tend to overdo, I tend to want to be all I can be to everyone! Time I try to be the best Me for ME!!!

Which is where the Secret comes in, I decided to read this little book to find a way to get to a happier place... a happy place within me! And while reading, while focusing on the positives in my life, my family, my house.... I started to look at the positives within ME! Digging deep and hard, I am starting to let go of my shortcomings, started regressing to my teenage years where being carefree and non-judgemental of myself seemed almost the most logical way to feel about oneself.

So I advise that you all go and find a book, a magazine or something to read that well makes you want to take care of yourself, actually motivates you to focus on you and well works on being the best you for YOU!